An Amends

I deeply regret that I betrayed your trust and weaponized your past trauma. There is no excuse for my actions, and I take full responsibility for the pain I caused you.

I know I've repeated myself, and my words might seem hollow at this point. But please believe this comes from my deepest core. While I initially hoped to rekindle what we had, I understand now that my choices and actions have deeply hurt you, both mentally and emotionally.

Right now, my focus is on self-improvement and making amends. That means offering you my sincerest apologies and trying to heal the hurt I caused. You deserve so much better than the way I treated you.

The pain and suffering that I have caused you began well before my relapse, when I was having a physical relationship with another woman while at the same time working towards developing a more romantic relationship with you. No matter how much I try to justify my actions, my behavior was selfish and inconsiderate of your emotions and commitment. The following, in no particular order, is a list of the hurt and pain I have caused you:

You left behind the comfort and familiarity of your home, your friends and family, and the small comforts that brought you joy, so that you could move to Chicago to start a new life with me. I repaid you for this loving gesture by abandoning you, threatening you physically, and scaring you multiple times. All you asked of me was for stability and consistency in my love and actions, and instead, I chose to drink and treat your heart with such recklessness and abandon. The very first time we spent the night together, I decided to get drunk and demand sex from you instead of being the loving, caring man you needed to support you after such an emotion-filled day, saying goodbye to your former life.
I was inconsistent in my words and actions, especially after I decided to drink again. You were not able to rely on me for emotional/financial security. You were thinking about our long-term future, while I was only focused on getting my next drink.

ATONE

Dearest Kitty,

When drunk, I would take out my anger and frustration on you without any reason. I threatened physical violence to you with your precious red star gem that you trusted me enough to hold, and after you forgave me for that, I belligerently disrespected your family, your home, your religion, and more importantly, you by being verbally abusive and pushing you in your own home. I scared you more than anyone ever has, and the amount of trauma that I caused in you from that day alone is something that you still carry to this day. I would punish you by taking away access to my location, asking for the keys to my apartment back, and throwing away such beautiful and thoughtful gifts that you made for me and poured all of your love into. You invested so much time into creating amazing keepsakes, only for me to drunkenly discard them like I did with your heart and your trust.
I misunderstood you when we argued and made you feel alienated and alone. I broke promises and made you feel like you were the only one invested in the relationship and doing all of the work to make our relationship survive.
Knowing how difficult your childhood was and the trauma caused by addiction in your family, I wasn’t strong enough to fight my own addiction and instead let it consume me. You needed safety, predictability, and consistency, and instead, I provided fear, heartache, and devastation.
I made you feel like you betrayed yourself, and made you fearful of trusting your own intuition.

I am committed to doing the hard work required to heal not just myself but also the wounds I have inflicted on you, Kitty. My journey through AA has brought me to this point of making amends, and I promise to respect your needs and boundaries going forward.

Thank you for the time we spent together. I know this doesn't take away the pain I caused you, but your giving heart deserves peace and freedom from the pain I've caused, and I hope you can find peace and happiness moving forward.

I am here, humbled and accountable for all the suffering I have caused you.

With sincerest apologies,

ACTIONS

Committed to change

Recovery Goals

Engaging in weekly therapy sessions for alcoholism, anger, depression, and bipolar disorder, with Lamotrigine prescribed to help prevent mood swings.
Attending AA meetings at least 3 times a week and staying connected with my sponsor, Bruce, twice a week while progressing through the program (currently on step 9).
Managing cravings with Naltrexone and using Antabuse as a deterrent if alcohol is consumed.

Educational Goals

Transferred my University of Illinois at Chicago transcripts to a previously attended community college to complete four classes (12 credits) required for an Associate in Science degree by the end of 2024 while learning web development through online courses.

Professional Goals

Pursuing CompTIA A+ certification for an entry-level IT Help Desk Administrator role, aiming to advance to either IT Support Manager or Network Administrator (through a future CompTIA Network+ certification).

Financial Goals

Steadily paying down $52,000 in student and personal loans through consistent monthly payments.

Business Goals

Launching a small business in web development named Little Pyramids/Alchemy Labs, taking on small projects to build experience and capital while working in the IT field.

ANSWERS

Your questions, answered